How to Convince your Girlfriend to Swallow Swords
Having an attractive, faithful girlfriend is not enough for some men. Whether he wants his significant other to play golf or tennis with them, or maybe just love football as much as he does. But what about the fringe? That’s right, the guy that wants to date a sword-swallower. The thing about sword-swallowing, however, is that not that many women want to do it willingly. Below are 15 fool-proof tips for convincing your girlfriend to swallow swords, if this just happens to be your bag:
Make helpful suggestions to show your support.
Offer ways she can desensitize her gag reflex. Casually work bulimia into the conversation. “Babe, I know you’ve been just puzzled by this riddle of recent weight gain. Why don’t we just give purging a try?”
Get down to her level to make her believe you’re equals.
“If you agree, I’ll stop saying Uma is so hot even if she looks a little like she is missing a chromosome. I know how you insist on proving that being a Special Ed teacher is a real job.”
Make her think what you are presenting is amazing by simply altering the intonation in your voice.
“If you’re not catching on quickly, I’ll send you off to circus camp! You’re always talking about wanting to travel more. You can finally take that road trip you always wanted!”
Let her have her way. Just this once. Make her feel useful by letting her cook you a meal.
“Once you get really good at sword swallowing, I’ll finally have a reason to cut down on my World of Warcraft hours besides your request for being a more ‘present partner’.”
Lead her to believe you will reward her if she performs to your liking.
“Once we start seeing those purging results, I’ll consider leaving the lights on.”
Make her feel as comfortable as possible. Let her know you have her best interest at heart.
“I’ll make sure you and Gary Busey are in the safest of hands while traveling with the circus.”
Show her how she can pull her weight.
“When we’re low on cash, I’ll just farm you out to the Bunny Ranch for a few days. You know how you love animals.”
Inspire her by comparing her to other women.
“Honey, you’re being a baby. The longest sword a chick ever put away was 27.5”. Open your mouth as wide as you can, just like every other morning when I ask you to lift your tongue after you claim you’ve swallowed your birth control pill.”
Find out what her currency is and wildly mislead her.
“You’ll be accepted into the Sword Swallowing Association International. We’ll get you a passport and everything.”
Share why you can’t do it with her, then reluctantly offer guidance.
“If I ever go to prison, I don’t want word to get out that I don’t have a gag reflex. It makes the most sense for you to be the one. But I’ll consider helping you out if you really want me to.”
Let her know that it’s the most practical trade to learn considering your options.
“Because no matter how much I want her to, Lara Croft, my blow up doll won’t survive another sword swallowing.”
Enthusiasm is contagious. If she sees your excitement, she will match it, no matter what.
“Yes, it’s highly dangerous, but it’ll be worth it.”
Make her aware that she is capable by making irrelevant connections to her past experience.
“Natasha Veroschkca was a sword swallowing belly dancer, honey. Belly dancer. Don’t you see? Belly dancers have rhythm. I don’t think it’s a coincidence you played handbells two and a half months of the year in middle school. That doesn’t just happen. You two are cut from the same talented cloth.”
Gain control by putting her down. Always present two positives with the negative.
“It makes you appear well-read. Shakespeare wrote about sword swallowers – Let’s face it, you could use the smarty points, Sweetie.”
Speak her language. Offer her something she really wants in order to get her head in the game.
“If you take sword swallowing lessons, I’ll stop cheating on you with the Booth Babe from ComicCon ‘06.”
If you are looking for a good place to get started, there are swords for sale at swords.com
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